


Like Shining Blades of a Knife

by amadwinter



Series: A Thousand and One [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Growing Up, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 23:15:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7911337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amadwinter/pseuds/amadwinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers belonged in Starfleet, but his home would always be with Bucky Barnes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Shining Blades of a Knife

The first time Steve had set eyes upon Starfleet Academy, it had taken his breath away. His whole body buzzed with excitement, and he felt at home in a way he hadn't since his mother died. He belonged in Starfleet; it had just taken a strange reaction to supposedly deadly alien spore for others to see it.

That first year there was one of the best of his life. He was dog tired from his studies, near fed-up with his roommate, and homesick beyond belief, but he was determined. Not that there was any way he could give up and go home. For Steve, home wasn't a where, but a who.

Bucky had been his best friend growing up. He was the one who administered Steve's aspirator every morning when their mothers had already started on Alpha shift. After the disaster that was his father, only Bucky's arms wrapped tightly around him assured that he could have a peaceful night's sleep.

It was really weird to go from living in Brooklyn to living on a starship, but Bucky made the transition a little easier. From then on, Bucky was the one constant in Steve's life, the one comfort he could count on no matter what.

But life moved on, and things changed. Bucky enlisted in Starfleet, and Steve was sent back to Earth to live with his grandfather. They kept in contact all the time, even though Bucky couldn't afford to spend time for a video chat. At least, that's what Bucky said. Steve knew that he was probably lying, but he didn't want to push it. Written messages and pre-recorded voice notes were enough to keep him from missing Bucky real bad.

On the same day Steve called to tell Bucky he'd gotten an interview for Starfleet, Bucky told Steve he'd gotten his assignment.

"I'm being put on a science vessel. The _Kelvin_. It's all I could have dreamed of."

It was a bittersweet moment made all the worse by the fact that Bucky wouldn't even look him in the eye. Steve felt like his heart had been ripped right from his chest. Did Bucky hate him now? Or was he just not interested in entertaining the snot-nosed punk at his heels anymore?

Before the summer ended, Bucky came out to Brooklyn, and they went to the Coney Island simulation like they did when they were kids and the ship docked at Earth. Neither of them really had the guts to talk to each other, until Steve vomited all over him on the Ferris wheel. It was like they were 12 all over again.

Bucky wasn't mad that his clothes were ruined because he was too busy laughing and smiling to care. It had been so long since Steve heard that sweet sound that his eyes welled up. He blamed that on nerves though, because it was weird to cry when your friend laughed.

They got him cleaned up, and they settled into the same old rhythm they'd followed for years. They even shared a bed like they did when Steve had nightmares.

Late at night, when the clocks had reset, Bucky leaned in real close and whispered to him why he'd been so distant. "I was afraid, Steve."

"Of what? Me?"

"That one day I'd look at you and I wouldn't recognize you one bit. Or that you wouldn't recognize me."

Steve gave him a soft smile. "Don't worry, Buck. I'm with ya till the end of the line."

The rest of that week, they were thick as thieves. By the end of that time, even though he was sad that they were parting, Steve couldn't help but feel that it was the happiest he might never be.

They did video calls more often after that. Sometimes Bucky couldn't be reached that easily. His ship was quite a ways out from normal communications for a good portion of the time.

"I wonder if we'll ever get to work in the Neutral Zone," he said one day.

"Don't be stupid. It's called the Neutral Zone for a reason. You go in there, you got Klingon War Birds on your tail for months. Don't think the Federation will sanction that mission."

And Bucky was right properly outraged the first time Steve got rejected from the Academy; the second, too. By the third, he'd started to try to convince him that maybe the life of an officer wasn't for him. It was dangerous after all.

That only made Steve more determined. Enough to sign up for a nine-month long stay on a distant colony, just to prove he was made of the right stuff.

God, he was an idiot.

When they released him from quarantine, a little taller, breathing a little easier, the first thing he tried to do was call Bucky. Twelve days with no contact was sure to have pissed him off, since Steve was the one who was supposed to stay stationary on a planet. And yeah, there were two angry video messages, followed by one that appeared to be Bucky on shore leave and drunk off his ass.

"Stevie," he moaned with a hiccup. "Why won't you fucking answer me? M'not too clingy, am I?"

Steve sent out a long message that described pretty much everything he was allowed to disclose, and that he was real sorry Bucky, can you find it in yourself to forgive him?

Of course Bucky forgave him. He didn't know about Steve's growth spurt, or that he almost died, but he forgave him for not talking to him.

Their lives kind of moved on much the same after that. Except not, because Steve was accepted into Starfleet Academy, and a ten-month long mission into deep space meant there was no video calls anymore. Those were reserved for official communications and immediate family members.

"Shoulda gotten married last time we saw each other," Bucky mentioned off-hand, his soothing voice sparking a sense of longing within Steve. "It's not like we'd be much different around each other." He laughed it off.

Steve didn't want it to be a joke.

| ~ |

Science vessels were supposed to be safe. They didn't go exploring, didn't interact with any dangerous entities. There were strict protocols in place to assure that nothing dangerous was brought on board, and they were overall thought to be very boring to everyone but scientists.

That was why Steve and so many others never saw it coming. One day everything was okay, and the next, his whole world was shattered. Bucky and him might not have been close in the traditional sense anymore, but they kept each other's hearts in their pockets in a way neither of them chose to examine. They could go days, weeks, without contact, but time and time again, they just picked up right where they left off.

This time shouldn't have been any different. But this time, Bucky wasn't coming home.

One last message appeared on his PADD, in the middle of the night. Steve had been half asleep trying to cram for his studies, and it was only thanks to his caffeine-addicted roommate that he'd even seen it before the morning came.

 

> _2233.04 01:24 BARNES, J B:_ I never got to tell you this, but I kinda always had a thing for you. I wish I had the chance to ask you on a date

 

It was strange. Completely out of character for him to say a stupid thing like that. Other kinds of stupid things, yeah, but they didn't joke about this stuff.

 

> _2233.04 01:32 ROGERS, S G:_ Are you drunk?

 

The first five hours without an answer, Steve didn't think twice. He had exams to worry about, because he was an idiot and thought Vulcan would be a good language to learn. Not once did he consider that he'd have a Vulcan professor teaching him, or that passing her class would be near impossible.

He'd returned to his dorm triumphant, a dazed smile on his face.

"Holy shit, did you actually pass?" Tony exclaimed from his bed.

"Just barely."

"Alright! Celebratory drinking night!"

The two of them, James Rhodes, Pepper Potts (Tony's friends), Peggy Carter, and Sam Wilson (Steve's friends), were stuffed into their dorm room late into the night. For once, none of them cared about "doing the right thing", because exams were over. They could be responsible adults come next term.

"By the way," Tony said, lifting his head from Pepper's shoulder. "You hear back from your man?"

Steve flushed, and he knew that was something Sam would needle at him about later. "No. I haven't."

It wasn't until the next day, after seven messages without a response, that news reached the Academy. The _USS Kelvin_ had been attacked on the edge of Federation space with a high number of casualties. Steve had held his breath through the entire reading of the names, until finally--

Ensign James Buchanan Barnes of Brooklyn, New York. Age 22.

There wasn't enough alcohol in the quadrant to dull the pain in his chest whenever he dared look at Bucky's final message.

When they met at the funeral, Bucky's sister gave him something he'd forgotten all about. Those stupid metal dog tags they had gotten on that first outpost they'd visited together. Steve decided right there that he would always keep it hung around his neck, regulations be damned.

| ~ |

That was then, seven years ago.

Steve was a different man now, physically, mentally, and in about every other way. Sometimes his lovers twirled the necklace absently as they lay together, asked about it. The only one he ever told was Tony, but he had been there for the grief.

The way they ran their ship was strange to say the least. Steve was second-in-command officially, but the crew always turned to him before they went to their captain. Steve liked to think that it said more about him than it did about Tony, because really, Captain Stark wasn't what everyone said he was.

Spoiled son of a rich businessman; an inventor himself; slept with everything that could consent; and was just plain out of touch with the rest of his crew. That all was true, but no one else could see how much Tony cared. He cared about each and every person on his ship, whether they were his or not, and he wanted to do so much to help.

So of course Tony didn't immediately alert Starfleet when they were boarded by armed insurgents from a stranded ship. He had taken one look at the ragtag group who were, at best, two weeks away from starvation, and had seen not an enemy, but a stranger who needed help.

Not that he let any of that show. It was only years of being well acquainted with the man that Steve was able to tell what he was up to. Steve had sighed in near defeat, knowing that he couldn't convince his captain otherwise, and set about to see what use he could be.

After failing to strike up a conversation with two unamused women, Steve sat down next to a man in all black. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for another one-sided conversation. "Look," he said, turning to the man. He froze, feeling like he'd forgotten to use the aspirator and the fluid in his lungs was choking off his airways. But it had been years since he had last needed help breathing.

The man turned, his eyes hard and ringed with stress. But then their gazes caught, and the pallor drained from his face.

"Steve?"

" _Bucky_?"

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is. i started writing and i couldn't stop.
> 
> title is from "the origin of love" from hedwig and the angry inch


End file.
